


The Strange Designs Of Elua

by melliyna



Category: Kushiel's Legacy - Carey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-18
Updated: 2009-12-18
Packaged: 2017-10-04 12:44:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melliyna/pseuds/melliyna





	The Strange Designs Of Elua

**Author's Note:**

  * For [arsenicjade](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=arsenicjade).



I came to love Phedre perhaps, in an instant. Recognizing I loved her was entirely another matter. To tell you the truth, the one behind the legends, love is not such a simple matter of two star crossed legends who came to save Terre D'Ange. The Servant of Namaah and the Cassiline, to whom much of the country laughed, to think on such a thing and then later to look and speak of it with awe. They do not say, we were cold, we were tired, desperate and in need of solace.

That it was solace that began it, love that built it and choice that kept us together. I could not imagine living without Phedre but I had to make the choice to return and for that, I know that I love her. We both made choices to stay and that is what the legends do not tell. There were times, in Darsanga that I could have hated her, that perhaps I did and there are scars from that place that I do not know that we can ever heal. It was worth the cost, it will always be worth the cost but that does not mean I would have made the choice for myself. That was through the will of Blessed Elua alone.

And then there was Imriel. Perhaps you will find it hard to understand that I could love him, when he looked at me with his mothers eyes but that is because you did not know Imriel. He is proud, beautiful, scarred, wonderful and if sometimes I wonder why it is that I understand him so well? It is a mystery to be lived with as perhaps it is merely one of the mysteries of Elua and his mercy, his love. Through Skaldia, through La Dolorosa, through Darsanga - I have learned to carry the terrible and wonderful scars of Elua's blessing.

This is what it means, to live Cassiels choice.

-

May-hap you would tell me that my Queen knows little of love. In truth perhaps Ysandre has learned too much of love - both the sweet and the bitter. There are those who will call her cold in later years, I have no doubt but a ruler, any ruler must have walls. For sometimes there are harsh choices to be made and harsh lessons are learned early and if they are not learned well a ruler will be broken by them. And Queen Ysandre was a good ruler, one of whom the poets would write. And she married for love, something that many histories do not always remember. She married for love.

I talked of this, with Sidonie somewhat. She laughed and said that it was different, with Imriel. Because of his mother, because her treachery had been proven and because of what her plans had been for him. And Imriel was pure D'Angeline, after all. "Mother understood, in the end. I think she may have even come to like it, at least a little." It might have been a strange conversation to have in earlier years but we had all changed. Perhaps we had all grown up, after all. And I am after all, of Kushiel's line. It pays to understand the whims and motivations of rulers. And Sidonie will be a better Queen, for having Imriel beside her. For knowing that with him, if with no-one else, she can be commanded and that with him, she may kneel and give herself up to it.

That is another kind of love, indeed. I'm glad that Imriel has come to understand that, even if their pleasures are not as harsh perhaps, as mine oft times are. But then Imriel always was a perverse bastard. And he has never been his mother, whatever the rest of Terre D'Ange may think. Though it crosses my mind sometimes, what he might have become if not for Darsanga. I do not admit that it is not entirely an unpleasant thought, betimes because it is not just about the lack of damage, the lack of scars. I am who I am and I make no excuse for it.

But I was glad that I could talk of many things with Sidonie. The Sun Princess indeed. She was good for Imriel and Imriel was good for her. Much as the realm might squirm to admit it Blessed Elua spoke true when he spoke to them of union with each other.

-

I have watched Joscelin Verreuil suffer for the woman he loves. I have watched him watch her suffer. It is strange perhaps, but we have always understood each other.

There have been those who wondered at that too but in truth for both of us there has been no other but those who we cleaved to. And for him, it was after all the legend. A priest, tempted to break his vows by a Courtesan worthy of Kings, whose blades shone like a star. They tell that story and forget, I think what it meant to him to break those vows, to take the path of damnation for love. To take the path of Cassiel. Though there are not many stories told of how Cassiel wept for what he lost, even as as he smiled.

I wonder what they will tell of Joscelin's choice, in later years. I wonder if they can understand what it cost him, even as he made the choice with gladness in his heart. I wonder if they will still be able to tell of Darsanga. Of the way he ducks heroics and blushes to hear tell of duels. He and I have had converse, over many years and it is a blessed thing, to find such a friend, such a champion. To learn that there are many kinds of love in the purview of Elua and this kind of love not the least.

We both know, perhaps what it is to make choices for love and what cost we may bear. We have both heard the whispers though his are not of sullying blood but of heresy, of betrayal. Of making the choice of Cassiel, the one the Brotherhood does not like to tell. We are both made apostate, in our differing ways.

This is what it means then, to make Elua's choice.


End file.
